Cheap Eats

Peep   With summer among us and universities on break many of the younger travelers are on a budget so thin even Amanda Bynes would be impressed. With all the chronic smoking and walking about you are guaranteed to work up a hefty appetite.  Lucky for you, for the amount you would drop into the Peep Show you can afford a deliciously tasting snack or meal. harring

When I think of Amsterdam the first thing that pops into my head is stinky fish. Not the smell of your friends fingers from the previous nights whore, but really tasty lightly pickled herring. Similar to your whores, you will not want to eat any Herring from any vendor, not all are created equal. My go to is located on the Haarlemmerstraat close to the Singel Canal. A small fish monger that will serve you some great pickled herring with pickles and onions, or some fried herring or shrimp. All very reasonable priced and delicious.

proffer2  A couple worthy snacks can also be found close to Albert Cuyp Market. Vietnamese spring rolls made by hand by a wonderful woman of that region. Fried to perfection and dipped in her famous sauces you can’t go wrong. In the Market you can also find poffertjes, miniature puffy pancakes topped with butter, powdered sugar and even Nutella. Dangerously Good!   spring roll

For more of a filling meal, hit up Wok to Walk with a few locations throughout the city center or Maoz Falafel. Both are cheap and good.  For the change giggling in your pocket you can afford a decent meal that will fulfill you to the morning.

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Act Like You Have Been There Before

For all you rookies walking into your very first coffee shop and ordering up delicious tender nuggets will be a very different experience than you have ever dreamed, it might be a little intimidating. You are in a foreign country, different languages are being spoken around you, everyone looks high. As you walk in, there will be a bar to purchase the hashes and grasses and in most cases there will be a bar for beverages. This is where mistakes can happen. With my advice and a few unwritten rules to follow you will avoid any unwanted glares.

P Diesel

Rule # 1)   It is not necessary for you and all of your friends to gather around the bar to order a gram of grass.

We have all been there… You walk into your favorite coffee shop to grab a quick smoke and there is a massive line. Oh man, this is the spot that has the great 5 gram special so you have to wait.  As some Euro Trash DJ of the month’s song finishes and another one begins I am quickly losing my patience. See what happens to me when I don’t have my medicine! I finally start to see the front of the line when the group in front rolling 6 deep take up the whole space at the bar. After dissecting the entire fucking menu they ask to  smell each of the selections they have narrowed it to. Each douche is hording the menus so no one behind can have a look.  They make up their mind and get a gram of whatever. All this debate and a lengthy decision making process to purchase 10 euros worth of goods. When going into a coffee shop with your douche friends send a couple guys to get the smoke and another couple grabs some drinks, the rest secure a table. Is it that hard? Act like you have been there before rookie!!

Rule #2)    Roll your own Joint.   pre rolled

If you know how, there is no excuse. If you don’t, buy a machine. You will roll a perfect joint your first try and be quite satisfied with your purchase. Which brings me to..


Rule #3)      Never buy a Pre Rolled Joint

You just don’t know what it is. It’s like brunch on Sundays, they are clearing out the walk in’s and pantry’s. All the shake that has accumulated gets rolled in these joints. You are paying top dollar for crap.

Rule #4)       Pick a bud.

You don’t have to buy in increments of a gram, feel free to pick a big fat nug of your choice. In most cases there is a 1 gram minimum however a tasty bud that weights out to be X.XX is cool. The budtender will never break up the big buds so when ordering a gram you will usually get the little pieces that have accumulated from he or she having to break off pieces to equal a perfect gram.

Rule #5)       Smoke and Go   any day

Most coffee shops get crowded on the weekends. As a courtesy to the shop and others it is wise to smoke your smoke, drink your drink then go. Please clean up after yourself as well.  Turn over that table for them and keep it moving.

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Coffee Shop of the Week: Amnesia

   I was first introduced to Amnesia by a friend of mine on my first visit to the Dam and I have made it in on each of my visits to follow. Located alongside the Herengracht, this cozy shop has tasty products and a relaxed environment. On a nice day you can lounge outside and gaze at the canal as boats motor by, all while smoking some top shelf cannabis. Inside you will be able to find many large tables  to sit at and do what you do. Make sure to bring your ID along. Smokerella the budtender cards everyone,  she has a charming way about her as she kindly asks you to leave for not having identification. The smirk of satisfaction on her face as yet another fat American has forgot their ID and been asked to leave. Bring ID and you will avoid the wrath of Smokerella.

Being a long consuming humanoid of Amnesia’s product I have noticed that through the years their prices have gone up considerably. The prices have grown to almost astronomical levels and this is unfortunate. Amnesia Lemon Haze for 14 euros a gram is always a great up-lifting high. The Laughing Buddha for 13 euros is a great buy for anyone looking to see a good movie and eat too much candy. Giggling for hours is not uncommon when smoked in huge quantities. My personal favorite is Grapefruit Haze for its superior taste when smoked in a pure joint. Super intense citrus fills your mouth upon your first inhale, and that nice pine taste from the Haze while exhaling. Enjoy that experience for 12 euros a gram. Top Dawg, a strong Indica for 13 euros, will leave you feeling couch locked, sitting on a bench for hours gazing at the Herengracht.   

Amnesia can get crowded at night and on weekends. Over the years they have grown into a well respected coffee shop in Amsterdam and the tourists have noticed. The modern design and relaxed feel  of the shop has smokers making this a hangout. Overall I give Amnesia an 8 out of 10. A comfortable and relaxed atmosphere with top shelf product. Missed out on a higher grade due to the price increases and the music. At times really bad techno can ruin your head. Stop into Amnesia, don’t forget your ID.

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Set Your Alarm to Wake N’ Bake!

    By six in the morning I am growing restless. Still laying in bed with the sounds of a quiet canal in the background, I am eager to start the day. I quietly tip toe to the bathroom to unload a hefty amount of piss from my bladder that feels like its about to explode and then hop in the shower. By six thirty I am fully dressed, geared up and heading for the front door without waking my woman or Haarlemdog. Lucky enough, one of the best coffee shops is open by seven, and I am heading for it.

I decide to walk up the Singel Canal toward Central Station, and the fifteen minutes it takes to get to Barneys Coffee Shop is a blissful time. The streets are calm, and other than a few bikes cruising by and the street cleaners spraying away at the concrete, the city is mine.   

I am quickly at Barney’s, and I walk into a hungover, half asleep feeling coffee shop. The budtender looking as though the three hours of sleep he got the night before gave him the right to quickly throw attitude, was not well received. Ordering up a nug of G-13 Haze to uplift me threw the morning, I am eager to roll it up. With a flash, I am ready to smoke the fatty when my cappuccino is ready. With a spark I am puffing away and the Haze is hitting all the right spots. The shop is empty, just me and Mr. Attitude, and I am High. Sipping away at the cap, my heart feels as the it might leap out of my chest. The G-13 is good and I finish the joint slowly choking down the final pulls. I gather my things and head out the door saying good bye to the cunty budtender.    

Sufficiently Waked N’ Baked I head up the  Haarlemmerstraat and back to the Singel to one of my favorite bakeries for some breakfast to bring back. As my man Joey Diaz says,” If your not stoned by two pm than go Fuck yourself!” I will do you way better Joey. When in Amsterdam, if you’re not stoned by seven am, go Fuck Yourself! Wake N Bake, and enjoy the rest of your day.

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Go Dutch, Eat Some Stamppot

 On my way out of another coffee shop, after a marathon smoking session of some delicious Lavender and Temple Balls, my stomach is howling. Smoking copious amounts of marijuana and hash has a funny way of making you hungry. I jump on my bike and begin to make my way to the Spui. With each peddle my strength is being sucked out of my body from this coma like state the crazy THC levels have brought me to. This ten minute ride seems like a journey and by the time I make it to Haesje Claes I am famished.          

Haesje Claes is a restaurant, located on Spuistraat 273, known for their traditional Dutch cuisine. This place is listed on every website and travel book ever published about Amsterdam, this is by no means insider information. But the food is decently priced and quite good. Bus loads of tourists literally pull up right to the restaurants doorstep and at any moment 5o  tourists can be waiting to be seated. I always come for the same thing, a traditional and delicious Dutch Stamppot.

    An incredibly hearty mashed potato, vegetable and meat dish served with sauerkraut and bacon that will leave you satisfied. This is some real stick to your ribs tight shit. A go to cheap, hearty and filling meal that any tourist can afford. Enjoy a cold Heineken while eating and  get ready to call it a day afterwards. After consuming the entire  dish the itus is bound to set in.

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Just A Fool In The Rain

  Walking the Singel Canal I don’t have a care in the world. Just left Coffee Shop Anyday and I’m headed toward the Hoppe Bar to meet up with some friends and I think my head has officially separated from my neck. That feeling washes over me when you have smoked a huge amount of the super duper wacky out of a world class vaporizer. Nothing could be better, I feel as though I am suspended in time and the psychedelic effect of the weed and the surroundings of the canal and all its beauty has me trippin. Then out of nowhere the wind picks up, the sun disappears and my perfect moment is getting rained on. Completely unprepared for such a downpour, dressed in no rain gear and without an umbrella, I am getting soaked.    

When in Amsterdam, be prepared for unexpected changes in weather. The temperature, wind, sun, rain etc, seems to change from one minute to the next. Perfect weather on one canal, not so perfect on the other. When traveling to Amsterdam for the first time be prepared for cooler weather depending on the season and periods of rain. This is all part of being in Amsterdam, so bring an umbrella and rain jacket and stay dry and comfortable.

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Hunt For The Ultimate Hash

   People from all over the world travel by plane, boat and car to gather in Amsterdam’s Canal Belt to see everything glorious this city has to offer. Breathtaking canals along centuries old architecture, world class museums and great restaurants and bars are all some of the reasons the masses gather, but for me, the hunt for the best grass and hash in town is time well spent. I realize that for some of you, smoking any ole’ marijuana or hash in Amsterdam will be sufficient to get you seeing Jesus, but some of us smoke a crazy amount of marijuana and want the best. Through my many journeys into shop after shop one product stands alone as the king of all hashes, made by the Queen of Hash herself.

Somewhere in the City Center lies a warehouse for the Pollinator Shop; A creation from the Queen of Hash, Mila Jansen called the Bubbleator, to create Bubble hash or also known as Nederhash. This is fly you to the moon type shit, not for anyone who does not want to go on any such voyages. The location is going to be for you to find, I don’t want to kill what I love, but make an effort to find this hard to locate warehouse.   

Mila’s hash does not come cheap and she generally has many options to choose from. They will range in price from around 14 euros a gram to some very couch locking indica hash to as much as 35 euros a gram for the rocket ship of all hashes. All the different hashes from Mila’s are unpressed crystals. This gives you a powdery consistency easy to smoke in hash pipe or rolled in a joint. Either way you smoke it the feeling is intense and lasts for hours. If you appreciate that good head rush that makes you feel like you are going to pass out and fall to the floor, then this is the hash for you.

 This warehouse is by no means a coffee shop and it does not have any amenities that a coffee shop generally would. They may offer you some tea if you plan on staying and smoking but I think people often buy and run. The Bubbleator is also for sale, the actual device used to create her hash, for a reasonable price of 165 euros. I find myself in this shop all the time and I am always blown away by the products. So for all you stoners out there up for an experience to smoke some world class hash made by the Queen find the Bubbleator Shop and enjoy the trip!

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